lonely night, after lonely night....
when will I allow it to end?
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
epiphany; 12/15/2010 around 3:00am-ish
i want to say im happy w/ myself as a person and content w/ the life God has blessed me with in general. but when i really think about it, when i really analyze things. i see that something is eating me up. and for a while i havent been able to figure it out. but now i know. its my family.
the los angeles county family to be exact. and its because WE are all complete and utter disappointments primarily as a family and secondly as people.
as a family, secluded in compton, were supposed to stikc together and we dont. its like one wolf pack against another. members are estranged, members arent pulling their weight, and it seems as if these issues will not be resolved. and i am okay w/ that in some areas. its like, i dont want to be estranged from any family member. i want to love and support everyone. BUT ONLY IF YOUR MAKING REASONABLE DECISIONS. yet, on the other hand, you cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped....
and the part where we ALL sukc it up is when it comes to the kids. one person is either too stupid too see, or just plain incompetent to understand the effects decisions have on them. while the rest of us act all helpless. as if its too late to make a POSITIVE impact in their lives. which is jst plain selfish on our part. we're too wrapped up and engrossed in what we got goin on to, not notice whats happening, cuz we all know,... but TOO WRAPPED UP TO TAKE ACTION. what kinda shit is that, what kinda people are we. to let our own blood stay on the forsaken path they are on, simply because its easier for us.
im almost ashamed. idk what im going to do. or how im going to handle it. but somethings gotta give. and somethings will change. i can promise you that.
lord please guide us in your wisdom.
w/ love
zac
the los angeles county family to be exact. and its because WE are all complete and utter disappointments primarily as a family and secondly as people.
as a family, secluded in compton, were supposed to stikc together and we dont. its like one wolf pack against another. members are estranged, members arent pulling their weight, and it seems as if these issues will not be resolved. and i am okay w/ that in some areas. its like, i dont want to be estranged from any family member. i want to love and support everyone. BUT ONLY IF YOUR MAKING REASONABLE DECISIONS. yet, on the other hand, you cant help someone that doesnt want to be helped....
and the part where we ALL sukc it up is when it comes to the kids. one person is either too stupid too see, or just plain incompetent to understand the effects decisions have on them. while the rest of us act all helpless. as if its too late to make a POSITIVE impact in their lives. which is jst plain selfish on our part. we're too wrapped up and engrossed in what we got goin on to, not notice whats happening, cuz we all know,... but TOO WRAPPED UP TO TAKE ACTION. what kinda shit is that, what kinda people are we. to let our own blood stay on the forsaken path they are on, simply because its easier for us.
im almost ashamed. idk what im going to do. or how im going to handle it. but somethings gotta give. and somethings will change. i can promise you that.
lord please guide us in your wisdom.
w/ love
zac
Monday, December 13, 2010
we need to open our eyes ...
every 15 seconds, a woman or child is sexually abused by either someone they don't know, or more than likely, it's someone they do know. and the statistics show that 1 in every 4 to 5 women will be abused either physically or mentally in their lifetime. soo i got to thinking....
i have 824 friends on facebook. atleast half of whom are female. thats 412 women. meaning that 82-103 women... friends, on my facebook will be or have been sexually abused. and i know how that makes me feel.... OUTRAGED, SAD, HELPLESS. but i dont know what i am supposed to, or can do about it. what can i do to help someone or make a difference in someone's life.
and if i feel like this, all confused inside just thinking about the issue, and its not even me. i can only imagine how the women and children are dealing with it themselves. so for now, all i can do is inform others that it is happening and send my love and prayer to those affected by it.
w/ much love
zac
i have 824 friends on facebook. atleast half of whom are female. thats 412 women. meaning that 82-103 women... friends, on my facebook will be or have been sexually abused. and i know how that makes me feel.... OUTRAGED, SAD, HELPLESS. but i dont know what i am supposed to, or can do about it. what can i do to help someone or make a difference in someone's life.
and if i feel like this, all confused inside just thinking about the issue, and its not even me. i can only imagine how the women and children are dealing with it themselves. so for now, all i can do is inform others that it is happening and send my love and prayer to those affected by it.
w/ much love
zac
Friday, December 10, 2010
i know im independent but....
even though we are born alone, doesn't mean that we have to live our lives alone. and as much as i don't want to face it, i see that, we as humans, are co-dependent people.
to me, the number one cause of unhappyness is lonelyness. which is sad. just think about all the problems and the pain you've suffered. it was probably 10x's worse or 10x's easier knowing that you had or didn't have someone there for you. someone that understands you. and it goes the same way for happy or proud moments in your life.
and it kinda sukcs to be yung and realize certain things you need in your life aren't attainable. where am i gna find a cool guy, w/ a good head on his shoulders at my age? ... church perhaps... i am 19 years old, and i am not saying that i need a guy to make me happy, im happy now. however, there are certain times when i wish there was someone who was there for me in all my moments, good or bad. not necessarily a boyfriend, but someone that i could just turn to.
now, don't get me wrong, i am not unhappy in my life at all. in fact, i am loving my life right now.
.... but if im loving life but still lonely now, i can only imagine how it must feel to be lonely and at the top : /
to me, the number one cause of unhappyness is lonelyness. which is sad. just think about all the problems and the pain you've suffered. it was probably 10x's worse or 10x's easier knowing that you had or didn't have someone there for you. someone that understands you. and it goes the same way for happy or proud moments in your life.
and it kinda sukcs to be yung and realize certain things you need in your life aren't attainable. where am i gna find a cool guy, w/ a good head on his shoulders at my age? ... church perhaps... i am 19 years old, and i am not saying that i need a guy to make me happy, im happy now. however, there are certain times when i wish there was someone who was there for me in all my moments, good or bad. not necessarily a boyfriend, but someone that i could just turn to.
now, don't get me wrong, i am not unhappy in my life at all. in fact, i am loving my life right now.
.... but if im loving life but still lonely now, i can only imagine how it must feel to be lonely and at the top : /
Thursday, December 2, 2010
meant to be....
in the city of Compton, on the corner of El Segundo and Wilmington, there sits a rather small looking church called Greater Zion Baptist Church. i have never been the SUPER religious person, BUT i have always believed in a higher being.
.... its just amazing how things in life fall into place....
SO I GUESS I HAVE TO START AT THE BEGINNING.....
far past - i lalaLOVE lauryn hill. she is one of my favorite artists. now, ms. hill has a track called Zion or To Zion on her miseducation of lauryn hill album. now that song is absolutely BEAUTIFUL, i sing it all the time, though i cant sing. i just love it.
recent past - now due to life, our family of threee had to share TWO cars. so i would have to pikc my mom up from work. now while pikcing her up from work i ALWAYS passed GREATER ZION, and truth be told, i only noticed it because the word "ZION" caught my eye. and i thought, "that sounds like a cool name for a church, i'm gonna stop by there one day and chekc it out".
...so i continued to pick my mom up from work for some months and never stopped by.
present - about two months ago, i quit my job at ross. about a month ago, i got hired at best buy, and about two weeks ago i rang up a customer... who happened to be the pastor of Greater Zion Church Family.
HOW CRAZY IS THAT!?!?!?
..... rest of the story condensed. i went to GZCF and i ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY LOVED IT. there was no better place for me to be. and i guess it was in Gods plan. it had to be. because thinking bakc, i was put in a certain place at a certain time for a reason. this is really crazy. this is what God wanted. and this is how i got there.
truly amazing.
w/ love
zakC
.... its just amazing how things in life fall into place....
SO I GUESS I HAVE TO START AT THE BEGINNING.....
far past - i lalaLOVE lauryn hill. she is one of my favorite artists. now, ms. hill has a track called Zion or To Zion on her miseducation of lauryn hill album. now that song is absolutely BEAUTIFUL, i sing it all the time, though i cant sing. i just love it.
recent past - now due to life, our family of threee had to share TWO cars. so i would have to pikc my mom up from work. now while pikcing her up from work i ALWAYS passed GREATER ZION, and truth be told, i only noticed it because the word "ZION" caught my eye. and i thought, "that sounds like a cool name for a church, i'm gonna stop by there one day and chekc it out".
...so i continued to pick my mom up from work for some months and never stopped by.
present - about two months ago, i quit my job at ross. about a month ago, i got hired at best buy, and about two weeks ago i rang up a customer... who happened to be the pastor of Greater Zion Church Family.
HOW CRAZY IS THAT!?!?!?
..... rest of the story condensed. i went to GZCF and i ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY LOVED IT. there was no better place for me to be. and i guess it was in Gods plan. it had to be. because thinking bakc, i was put in a certain place at a certain time for a reason. this is really crazy. this is what God wanted. and this is how i got there.
truly amazing.
w/ love
zakC
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
this sukcs!
soo, im realizing, that as an african american woman. i got it bad. im technically FORCED into a lose , lose situation in life when it comes to men. heres what i came up w/ ...
SITUATION #1
if a blakc woman falls in love wit a no good cheating man, and
A. either everyone knows hes a jerk/cheater but doesnt tell her cuz of either
a1. the "bro code" OR
a2. stayin out of it cuz it's "none of their business"
or B. everyone one does know, including the female, but she puts up w/ it anyways
THENNNN, now she becomes known as the "dumb bitch" or "stupid bitch" .... and we all know one of those.
SITUATION #2
if a black woman realizes that she has been with an aint shit, cheatin ass man, then chooses to dump his ass. moves on, yet does not forget about her past. and in fact learns from it and applies it to her future interactions w/ men. the men now have a problem w/ it and think that EVERY SINGLE WORD out of her mouth was a knokc at either him or the male race (when it probably was just a joke).... THENNNN we come across the "angry blakc women"
either one of those scenarios jst sukcs. if your in love that doesnt make you dumb, and if yur playin it safe than sorry that doesnt make you mean, angry, or hostile.
sighhh .... when will things begin to change... and where do we start.
SITUATION #1
if a blakc woman falls in love wit a no good cheating man, and
A. either everyone knows hes a jerk/cheater but doesnt tell her cuz of either
a1. the "bro code" OR
a2. stayin out of it cuz it's "none of their business"
or B. everyone one does know, including the female, but she puts up w/ it anyways
THENNNN, now she becomes known as the "dumb bitch" or "stupid bitch" .... and we all know one of those.
SITUATION #2
if a black woman realizes that she has been with an aint shit, cheatin ass man, then chooses to dump his ass. moves on, yet does not forget about her past. and in fact learns from it and applies it to her future interactions w/ men. the men now have a problem w/ it and think that EVERY SINGLE WORD out of her mouth was a knokc at either him or the male race (when it probably was just a joke).... THENNNN we come across the "angry blakc women"
either one of those scenarios jst sukcs. if your in love that doesnt make you dumb, and if yur playin it safe than sorry that doesnt make you mean, angry, or hostile.
sighhh .... when will things begin to change... and where do we start.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Life.
Since I am only 19, I realize that I don't have all the answers when it comes to life and its meaning and whatnot. However, I do know a thing or two. And the fact of the matter is, SHIT HAPPENS. all the time, good shit, bad shit, sometimes jst regular shit. and despite the fact that EVERYONE in the WORLD knows this, somehow, people still manage to have their life in shambles and doing miserably.
I mean its like seriously, get your stuff together. Like, realisticly, people can ecourage education and all that, but really though, not everyone is going to go to college, and not everyone thats in college is gonna be living the good life w/ that six figure salary. for our country to be stable we need all the social classes; rich, working, and poor.
but this isnt about social classes, and money, this is about happyness. i just wish everyone in their respected class would just do what they really loved to do.
if your poor, and you love smoking dope and shooting up, its what makes you happy, then by all means boo, do that. however, if your poor and an addict, and you hate yourself for what you do, then change that shit. i dont care what made you start doin drugs, find the strength in yourself to quit and do something better with yourself. same thing w/ the corporate bigshot, your in meeting 24/7 and you love that, then fine, but if your in meetings 24/7 and never see your family, and all you wanna do is live in a cabin in colorado, then make that change honey.
we all are so scared of doing what makes us happy in fear of other peoples judgement, or feeling like we owe it to someone. but its like for what? your gonna live a miserable life because of what someone else thinks. now mind you, if you have a family or other obligations then that should also be taken into consdieration. but for us who have only ourselves. TAKE A RISK.
i'm all for friends, and caring, but at the end of the day, if im busy worried about you and how to fix your problems... whos gonna worry about me and how to fix mine. i'm on a mission in life, to be a trainer for a sports team. not because i have to, not because it pays well, but because I WANT TO. i am taking control of my life because thats my job. i owe it to myself.
.... just like you owe it to yourself. get off your ass and do what you need to do. no matter what the circumstances.
w/ love
zac
I mean its like seriously, get your stuff together. Like, realisticly, people can ecourage education and all that, but really though, not everyone is going to go to college, and not everyone thats in college is gonna be living the good life w/ that six figure salary. for our country to be stable we need all the social classes; rich, working, and poor.
but this isnt about social classes, and money, this is about happyness. i just wish everyone in their respected class would just do what they really loved to do.
if your poor, and you love smoking dope and shooting up, its what makes you happy, then by all means boo, do that. however, if your poor and an addict, and you hate yourself for what you do, then change that shit. i dont care what made you start doin drugs, find the strength in yourself to quit and do something better with yourself. same thing w/ the corporate bigshot, your in meeting 24/7 and you love that, then fine, but if your in meetings 24/7 and never see your family, and all you wanna do is live in a cabin in colorado, then make that change honey.
we all are so scared of doing what makes us happy in fear of other peoples judgement, or feeling like we owe it to someone. but its like for what? your gonna live a miserable life because of what someone else thinks. now mind you, if you have a family or other obligations then that should also be taken into consdieration. but for us who have only ourselves. TAKE A RISK.
i'm all for friends, and caring, but at the end of the day, if im busy worried about you and how to fix your problems... whos gonna worry about me and how to fix mine. i'm on a mission in life, to be a trainer for a sports team. not because i have to, not because it pays well, but because I WANT TO. i am taking control of my life because thats my job. i owe it to myself.
.... just like you owe it to yourself. get off your ass and do what you need to do. no matter what the circumstances.
w/ love
zac
Sunday, November 14, 2010
its going good....
I must say, idk if its luck, God or some sort of other higher power but its been going real good, and im very thankful for that. recap.
11/11/2010 - hollywood. clubbb. poppin x]
11/12/2010 - chillll dayyyy
11/13/2010 - trails party. cuddle time :]
11/14/2010 - work, sleep, work, game night, milk and cookies, rest
aha, soo, im tryna be on my pimpin game cuz apparently im a hot commodity right now lol. no but seriously i've been hangin out w/ different people and i must say im not too good at this game cuz i find myself slowly getting attached to one in particular. he's a little older so its a little different for me, for him as well since im a little younger.
idk, i guess im jst conflicted because I have so much on my plate right now, and I don't want to jump into something right now w/ the possibility of me going to school in DC in literally a couple months. I guess i'll just go w/ the flow and let the chips fall where they may.
w/ love
z.aisha.c.
11/11/2010 - hollywood. clubbb. poppin x]
11/12/2010 - chillll dayyyy
11/13/2010 - trails party. cuddle time :]
11/14/2010 - work, sleep, work, game night, milk and cookies, rest
aha, soo, im tryna be on my pimpin game cuz apparently im a hot commodity right now lol. no but seriously i've been hangin out w/ different people and i must say im not too good at this game cuz i find myself slowly getting attached to one in particular. he's a little older so its a little different for me, for him as well since im a little younger.
idk, i guess im jst conflicted because I have so much on my plate right now, and I don't want to jump into something right now w/ the possibility of me going to school in DC in literally a couple months. I guess i'll just go w/ the flow and let the chips fall where they may.
w/ love
z.aisha.c.
Friday, November 12, 2010
blakc ops :]
So, let's recap.
I have scored an awesome job at best buy and bath and body works. I have been going out, having fun, drinking at a minimal of course :], AND I have been devoting the past few days to COD and I must say that I am impressed x]
On to a more personal thought. I am realizing that as appealing as the idea of settling down may be, I jst don't want too. Or maybe I'm just not ready because I'm scared. I think my logic is that, Im only 19, and I have my whole life to have a realtionship (unless i were to suddenly peril tomorrow) and idk, I guess its just not that serious to me right now.
Schools good, friends are good, and work is good. so all in all, things are just going GREAT. I don't want to rock the boat. So I'm just going to go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may.
... speaking of chips(poker) I must say that the idea of counting cards is becoming more appealing to me.
w/ love
z.a.c.
I have scored an awesome job at best buy and bath and body works. I have been going out, having fun, drinking at a minimal of course :], AND I have been devoting the past few days to COD and I must say that I am impressed x]
On to a more personal thought. I am realizing that as appealing as the idea of settling down may be, I jst don't want too. Or maybe I'm just not ready because I'm scared. I think my logic is that, Im only 19, and I have my whole life to have a realtionship (unless i were to suddenly peril tomorrow) and idk, I guess its just not that serious to me right now.
Schools good, friends are good, and work is good. so all in all, things are just going GREAT. I don't want to rock the boat. So I'm just going to go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may.
... speaking of chips(poker) I must say that the idea of counting cards is becoming more appealing to me.
w/ love
z.a.c.
Monday, September 20, 2010
last week!
so, okay, this past week was one of theee best weeks i've seriously had in quite a while. for the simple fact that i actually had 7 consecutive great days. lets recap.
sun 9/12 - worked my usual 4hr shift, saw my AWESOME co-workers
mon 9/13 - school and practice
tues 9/14 - applied at hooters, cpk, and party city; class after
wed 9/15 - school. practice, and work
thurs 9/16 - saw usher perform a mini concert at jimmy kimmel live; hung out in hollywood
fri 9/17 - gahr football game; hot shots bar; hollywood cruise; vibrato restaurant (after hours x])
sat 9/18 - roscoes w/ britt; bj's w/ mommy
sun 9/12 - worked my usual 4hr shift, saw my AWESOME co-workers
mon 9/13 - school and practice
tues 9/14 - applied at hooters, cpk, and party city; class after
wed 9/15 - school. practice, and work
thurs 9/16 - saw usher perform a mini concert at jimmy kimmel live; hung out in hollywood
fri 9/17 - gahr football game; hot shots bar; hollywood cruise; vibrato restaurant (after hours x])
sat 9/18 - roscoes w/ britt; bj's w/ mommy
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
all men aren't raggedy. jst the majority.
its sooo tempting to be a BITCH when you know the person who did you wrong doesn't deserve anything from you. its also tempting to say "i wish i never would have....." but im not gonna go there. cuz its not true, i dnt wish i never would have met him, and i dont wish that i never spent time with him, and i dont wish that i never fell for him. in fact im happy i did, cuhz life is about learning. and thats wht im doing.
i learned SOO much from him and his lies its not even funny. and i really appreciate him for it. cuhz now i know EXACTLY wht to NOT put up with for the next person im involved with. and that doesnt mean that i am carrying baggage or anything, that jst means that im a lot wiser now.
&& to top it off. i made a new friend today x]. and its cool cuz we understand eachother. i actually think we're more alike than we realize which is lowkey why i think we ended up in this clusterfukc. lol
its funny how things change...,
fool me once, shame on yu. but fool me twice... nahh bruhh. lol. tht shit aint happenin.
w/ love
ZAC
i learned SOO much from him and his lies its not even funny. and i really appreciate him for it. cuhz now i know EXACTLY wht to NOT put up with for the next person im involved with. and that doesnt mean that i am carrying baggage or anything, that jst means that im a lot wiser now.
&& to top it off. i made a new friend today x]. and its cool cuz we understand eachother. i actually think we're more alike than we realize which is lowkey why i think we ended up in this clusterfukc. lol
its funny how things change...,
fool me once, shame on yu. but fool me twice... nahh bruhh. lol. tht shit aint happenin.
w/ love
ZAC
Thursday, September 9, 2010
epiphany 1:24 am pacific standard time
i am soo soo SOOOOO fortunate for my family. like seriously. i have two amazing parents that went through a lot in their past and have sense enough not to want the same things for me. and as I'm realizing this now, I'm seeing that this is why i do it. this is why you catch me in libraries and on fastweb scholarships. cuhz i don't want my parents to see me fail.
I've always been on my grind, since i was like eight, tryna come up wit ways to make some money. about a year ago when i got involved wit a dude, my dad didn't want me getting caught up and he told me a whole bunch of stuff, but the one thing i remember him saying to me was "you gotta plan your work, and work your plan" and I'm gettin it in.
now idk where my future is leading me. but i know where it isn't. and quite frankly, i dnt have time for the bullshit. all these people my age runnin around here thinkin they doin something when they really ain't doin nothin, dnt got a dollar to they name but always know where the bomb khush at or where the function at, i dnt got time for it.
see, unlike others. i know how to conduct business and pleasure. i can party all weekend and still pass my test on monday cuz i know how to get it in. cuz i know how to plan my work and work my plan. and its really quite simple.
wen you have a dream, make it a reality. go after it, by any means necessary. ..., lol. and i dont mean without sleep either.
but seriously though. some of these people really need to get a grip on reality. you aint gonna be 19-21 forever. so why do things now that you gon have to pay for for the rest of your life.,
prioritize.
w/ love
ZAC
I've always been on my grind, since i was like eight, tryna come up wit ways to make some money. about a year ago when i got involved wit a dude, my dad didn't want me getting caught up and he told me a whole bunch of stuff, but the one thing i remember him saying to me was "you gotta plan your work, and work your plan" and I'm gettin it in.
now idk where my future is leading me. but i know where it isn't. and quite frankly, i dnt have time for the bullshit. all these people my age runnin around here thinkin they doin something when they really ain't doin nothin, dnt got a dollar to they name but always know where the bomb khush at or where the function at, i dnt got time for it.
see, unlike others. i know how to conduct business and pleasure. i can party all weekend and still pass my test on monday cuz i know how to get it in. cuz i know how to plan my work and work my plan. and its really quite simple.
wen you have a dream, make it a reality. go after it, by any means necessary. ..., lol. and i dont mean without sleep either.
but seriously though. some of these people really need to get a grip on reality. you aint gonna be 19-21 forever. so why do things now that you gon have to pay for for the rest of your life.,
prioritize.
w/ love
ZAC
Thursday, September 2, 2010
helppp moi!
soo, some of you know that i have applied to Howard U for next semester. with that said im gna need all the mulah i can get. so i reallllllly, realllly, reallly appreciate it if yu followed this link and clikced VOTE for this entry. its a contest and the reward is scholarship money. soooo.... help a sistah out x]
http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=1201294_30028510&pid=1183688&scid=566
http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?picid=1201294_30028510&pid=1183688&scid=566
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